Your Pastor Isn’t Fine. You Just Stopped Asking.
Your Pastor Isn’t Fine. You Just Stopped Asking.
Let me start with a question that may make some churches uncomfortable:
When was the last time you asked your pastor how they were doing—and actually waited for the answer?
Not:
“Pastor, that was a great sermon!”
Not:
“Pastor, we love you!”
Not:
“Pastor, God is good!”
I mean:
“Pastor, how are YOU doing?”
And then you stayed quiet long enough to hear the real answer.
Because there is a problem in the church that we don't talk about enough.
We have become very good at watching pastors lead without watching the pastors themselves.
Henry Tolbert addressed this issue in a recent Apostolic Insight session, asking a question that every church should wrestle with:
“Who watches the ones who do the watching?”
That question changes the conversation.
Because pastors are watchmen.
They stand on the wall.
They see what is coming.
They warn the church when trouble is ahead.
They announce opportunities.
They carry vision.
They preach.
They counsel.
They pray.
They lead.
But who is watching them?
The Most Dangerous Words a Pastor Can Say
“I’m fine.”
Four letters.
Two words.
And sometimes, a complete conversation killer.
Henry pointed out that pastors often don't receive the support they need for two reasons.
First, they look like they have everything together.
When something falls through the cracks, they pick it up.
When somebody doesn't show up, they cover it.
When the team needs help, they step in.
When the church needs something done, they make it happen.
So everyone assumes:
“Pastor's got it.”
But competence can become a trap.
The more capable you are, the more people may assume you don't need help.
Second, pastors sometimes don't give people a real answer when they're asked how they're doing.
“I'm good.”
“Blessed.”
“Can't complain.”
“Better than I deserve.”
Those answers may sound spiritual.
But they don't tell anybody where you actually are.
That doesn't mean a pastor needs to tell the entire church every personal struggle.
It means pastors need safe people with whom they can be honest.
People who can hear:
“I'm tired.”
“I need help.”
“I'm struggling with this.”
“I don't know what to do next.”
And respond:
“I've got you.”
Pastoral Loneliness Is Not a Badge of Honor
Some churches have unintentionally created a culture where loneliness is treated like part of the job.
Pastor, you signed up for this.
Pastor, that's leadership.
Pastor, that's the cost of the calling.
Pastor, keep going.
But here's the problem:
Pastors are people, too.
In the session, Henry referenced research showing significant levels of isolation and declining relational support among pastors, including that two in five pastors report feeling isolated and only about one in three say they have someone outside their church they can truly confide in.
Those numbers should make us stop.
Because a pastor can stand in front of hundreds of people on Sunday…
…and still feel completely alone on Monday.
They can preach about faith while privately wrestling with exhaustion.
They can encourage everybody else while having nobody encouraging them.
They can spend hours listening to everybody else's problems while having nowhere to put their own.
Crowds do not automatically create community.
And a full church calendar does not automatically create a healthy pastor.
Your Pastor May Be Carrying More Than You See
Henry also discussed the physical weight many pastors carry.
He referenced clergy health data showing obesity rates among clergy in the 35–64 age range approaching 40%, along with higher rates of several health conditions compared with the general population.
But the bigger point wasn't simply physical health.
It was the weight of leadership.
The meetings.
The counseling.
The sermon preparation.
The administration.
The finances.
The family responsibilities.
The staff problems.
The volunteer problems.
The Sunday pressure.
The expectations.
And then doing it all over again next week.
Sometimes the problem isn't that the pastor doesn't care.
The problem is that the pastor cares so much that they keep carrying things they were never meant to carry alone.
Stop Calling Burnout “The Cost of the Calling”
This is where the conversation gets uncomfortable.
We have to stop romanticizing exhaustion.
Being tired doesn't automatically mean you're faithful.
Working every night doesn't automatically mean you're effective.
Doing everything yourself doesn't automatically mean you're a strong leader.
And being unavailable to your family doesn't automatically mean you're committed to the church.
Sometimes what we call sacrifice is actually a lack of support.
Sometimes what we call commitment is actually poor structure.
Sometimes what we call the cost of ministry is simply a leader who has nobody helping them carry the load.
That's not condemnation.
That's an invitation to build differently.
The Church Needs More Than People Who See the Pastor
There is a difference between seeing someone and watching someone.
You can see your pastor every Sunday.
You can hear them preach.
You can shake their hand.
You can sit in their meetings.
And still never actually watch them.
Watching means paying attention.
Watching means noticing when their energy changes.
Watching means noticing when they stop taking breaks.
Watching means recognizing when they are carrying too much.
Watching means asking questions before there is a crisis.
Care should not be accidental.
It should be intentional.
Henry used Exodus 17 to illustrate this through Moses, Aaron, and Hur.
Moses' hands became heavy.
Aaron and Hur didn't stand there and tell him:
“Come on, Moses. You got this!”
They didn't shame him for getting tired.
They didn't tell him to pray harder.
They supported him.
They found a rock.
They positioned him.
They held up his arms.
They helped him continue the assignment.
That is what healthy leadership support looks like.
Who Are the Two People Holding Up Your Pastor's Arms?
This may be the most important question in this entire conversation.
Who are they?
Who are the people in your church whose assignment includes helping your pastor remain healthy?
Who can tell the pastor:
“You need to go home.”
“You need to rest.”
“You need some time with your family.”
“You don't need to handle that.”
“Let me take that off your plate.”
“I'm checking on you—not because I need something, but because I care about you.”
Who are those people?
Because if the answer is nobody, you have a problem.
Not a sermon problem.
Not an attendance problem.
A leadership care problem.
And the solution isn't necessarily another committee.
It may simply begin with identifying the right people and giving them permission to support the leader.
Henry shared the example of a pastor's aid committee whose role included taking care of small things that could become unnecessary distractions for the pastor.
Small thing.
Big impact.
Healthy Churches Don't Just Build the Mission. They Protect the People Carrying It.
We spend a lot of time asking:
How do we grow?
How do we get more guests?
How do we increase attendance?
How do we build teams?
How do we improve discipleship?
Those questions matter.
But there is another question we need to ask:
Who is making sure the people leading all of this are healthy enough to sustain it?
Because growth without capacity creates pressure.
More people means more responsibility.
More ministry means more decisions.
More momentum means more demands.
If your entire church depends on one exhausted person, growth can expose the weakness instead of solving it.
That's why leadership care isn't separate from church growth.
It is part of the foundation.
Pastor, You Don't Have to Prove You Can Carry Everything
If you're a pastor reading this and realizing that nobody really checks on you, don't wait for somebody to magically notice.
Identify your people.
Build your support.
Tell somebody the truth.
Create rhythms that protect your health, family, leadership, and calling.
And if you're a church member, don't wait for your pastor to ask for help.
Check on them.
Then listen.
Don't immediately give advice.
Don't turn their answer into a sermon.
Don't tell them how blessed they are.
Just listen.
Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is:
“I've got you. You don't have to carry this by yourself.”
Your pastor may be standing on the wall.
But somebody needs to be standing behind the watchman.
The Question Every Church Should Answer
So here's the question:
Who watches your watchman?
Put names to it.
Don't leave it vague.
Don't assume somebody else is doing it.
Don't wait until your pastor breaks down before you decide care matters.
Because, as Henry emphasized in Apostolic Insight:
“Please don't assume that care is ever going to be accidental.”
If your church is preparing for its next season, don't just prepare the systems.
Prepare the people who will carry them.
Ready to prepare your church for what's next?
Because the next season may require more from your church.
Make sure your leaders don't have to carry it alone.
